Some great quotes by comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera
and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "

--Paula Poundstone

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skillsthan men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of fourpeople make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New Yorksaid, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez